Some of the things I’ve learned as a single parent…
Bit of a rambly, honest post from me today. Ten things I wanted to share about the reality of being a single parent (not all bad!) but just a bit of honesty I guess. I love to share the positives of my life but it’s not as easy as I maybe make it seem and I just want to talk about the other side of things. I’m hoping that another single mama reading this may be able to relate and potentially feel less like an outsider compared to other parents, so here you are, ten things I’ve learned over the past two years single-handedly raising Ru.
It can be so lonely.
I love Ru, he is my whole world and do you know what? I love it just being us. I love sharing a bed with him and getting him to myself most of the time. He’s a dream, and we have the best bond, but it can still get lonely at times. Sometimes I get days where the world is just on my shoulders. I’m the only one he has to raise him, protect him, and give him everything he needs. And I know I am completely capable of doing it, but it doesn’t make it any less lonely at times. I like to keep a positive mindset so generally I just like to focus on the good things and not think about things that ‘could’ happen. Sometimes I can’t help it though, I do think it’s mostly down to my anxiety a lot of the time.
There’s so much sacrifice.
I would say that Ru and I have a pretty great life. He changed my life for the better and I can’t even remember what life was like before him, but I have had to sacrifice a lot. Fortunately for me, career wise it’s worked out, but I had to give up the hopes of ever getting a job as a graduate as I was heavily pregnant when I left uni. I guess any mother would have to do the same, but I suppose it’s just harder when it’s all on you to earn enough money to raise your child. I gave up any ‘freedom’ I would have had as a fresh-out-of-uni 20 year old and I wouldn’t change any of it, of course, but it’s important to be honest about the reality.
It’s infuriating when people compare solo parenting to being a single parent.
It’s not the same. Whilst it’s by no means a game of ‘who has it harder’ – it’s just a bit insulting that some people even dare to compare the two. Sure, you might do most of it alone whilst your partner is at work, but there are still two of you. You have someone to celebrate your kids milestones with, you have someone to rant at or cry to when it’s been a bad day, you have someone to share your worries and fears with, and to share the financial burdens with. You have someone who can give you a break if you desperately need one. I’ve never had that, and I can’t help being angry when mums have their kids for a couple of days with no help and they think it’s anything like doing it completely alone. It isn’t.
It’s difficult raising a child on one income.
I am lucky in that I’ve never struggled to live, sure I’ve had little to no money – but I am fortunate in that I have a family to fall back on when I’ve needed it. Having said that, it’s incredibly hard to get a mortgage, or even rent as a single parent. Especially being self-employed on top. When you’re a family of three, you have two adults splitting the rent, the bills, the food, and everything else that comes with raising a kid. I have to cover everything on my own and finding deposits and rent and paying bills is hard. My goal is to get Ru and I a house of our own as we got kicked out of our last rental after 18 months, despite being told we could stay there for years and years. It would be nice to not have to live with that risk you know? It’s a nightmare moving house as it is and landlords are just rubbish.
For those in the same position that would love to get a mortgage, you can use this handy mortgage payment calculator to see how realistic owning your own property is with your finances right now.
Five minutes alone? Forget it.
I never get time to myself. Living back at home actually helps a bit as my sister and brothers love playing with Ru and keeping him occupied whilst I get on with work, but he still comes to find me every five minutes. Most of the time I can’t even have a bath without having to have him in with me. I rarely get to go anywhere without him, so a nice shopping trip or spa day is never on the cards. I don’t mind too much, but I guess it would be nice sometimes.
I have to put myself first.
Reuben is without a doubt my main priority, but to look after him, I have to put myself first every time. I guess I’m putting both of us first in reality, but I have to make sure I’m the best version of myself for his sake. This can be in many different forms, from big things like cutting off toxic family members, down to the nitty gritty such as clearing my social media feeds for the sake of my mental health.
The bond is nothing short of incredible.
I was always told when I was pregnant that I’d have the best bond with my baby, and it’s been so true. I mean mothers have an amazing bond with their children regardless, but when you raise a little one alone, it’s just something else entirely. Whenever Ru is upset or tired, it’s me he runs to find and wants to cuddle. I can leave a room for all of five minutes and he’ll scream with joy when I walk back in like he hasn’t seen me in weeks. It’s so sweet. At night he has to be laying on me or cuddled up to me, otherwise he gets upset and won’t go to sleep. Sometimes he just pulls a chair up to my desk and wants to sit next to me playing whilst I work. There’s so many little things he does, and honestly, everything just melts my heart, I love our relationship – it’s the best.
The guilt.
There’s the other side to the strong bond I have with Ru as it means he can be quite a clingy child and I adore him but sometimes I get so sick of him wanting me or shouting me constantly if he’s tired or hungry. I guess all kids can be clingy, but when there’s no other parent to share that side of things with – my patience can get a bit short. I’m only human and it can just get exhausting being the only parent at times.
I have flourished as a person.
I think I’ve mentioned this more than once, but since Reuben has come into my life, I have just flourished in myself, as a person. My anxiety is not even close to what it used to be, I would get insanely anxious around other people and in certain environments, and now I just don’t care. There was a point in my life where I would avoid any situation that made me feel anxious and there isn’t much that stops me now. I have suffered with anxiety quite severely in the past, and I still do sometimes, but I can 100% put my new found confidence and improved mental health down to becoming a mum. Raising Ru alone, I have had to overcome so much and be such a strong person that I’ve just grown into this amazing version of myself that I never knew existed.
It’s SO rewarding.
My biggest accomplishment without a doubt is Ru. He is such a sweet and loving little boy and I’m so proud of him. Knowing that I have raised him as a single parent, and seeing what a beautiful little boy he’s becoming is just the most heart warming feeling, I have no idea what I’m doing right but he really is the ultimate babe – and no matter how stressed or guilty I sometimes feel, I would be nothing without him. Motherhood is such a rollercoaster of a journey but at the end of the day, we’re all just doing our best!
